I think too much sometimes. Actually, correction, I think too much all
the time. It’s hard for me not to. I don’t know whether it’s because I am a woman,
a Virgo, or neurons firing in the wrong way in my head. All I know, is that
sometimes it drives me insane.
When I first tried to start a blog,
I couldn’t figure out what to title it. I didn’t feel like anything would give
it justice. I’m not creative and everything just sounded pathetic, like I was trying too
hard. I just couldn’t find a word that
described me, my thoughts, or anything that had to do with me. I always said I was indescribable in those
dumb about me sections on Myspace and Formspring and it gave me the easy way
out. However, after thinking about it
long and hard; I found a word. Two-faced.
The connotation of that word is a lot worse than how I mean it.
I have realized people do not know
me. I don’t really give most people the
chance to get to know me either. It has
been both a good thing and a bad thing throughout college. People have used the word “fake” to describe
me. I smile when I see someone, because I
am genuinely pleased to see them, not because I secretly hate them and am plotting
against them. If I am fake, it’s because
I can bottle my thoughts up inside and no one has any idea. No one tries to have an intelligent
conversation with me because they think of me as the goofy, awkward, semi-party
girl. There is more to me than meets the
eye and I guess my thoughts don’t want to hide behind my goofy exterior
anymore.
I want a definition that includes
more than just a subtextually negative word. Now, I am on a mission to define myself and
reinvent the way other people define me.
The real Anjavi and her real thoughts may just be ready for the real
world.
Over and out.
