love.

Can you imagine going to a wedding, where the couple exchange their vows and all you can think about is how the bride feels the exact same way towards the groom as you did about your ex? AND to top that, your ex who broke up with you two weeks ago is standing there, in the bridal party...

Sitting through this wedding was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life.  I had to sit there as everyone talked about love, fate, destiny, being "meant to be" and all that other bullshit, while I'm still trying to repair my broken heart.
Honestly, fuck love, fuck destiny, and fuck being meant to be. I never believed in love in the first place.  He came and changed my mind. Its just a whole sack of bullshit fed to us as young children.  We grow up believing this fairytale version of love with a castle and rainbows and a knight in shining armor.  My knight in shining armor turned out to be just some guy wrapped in tin foil.  Honestly, he didn't even do anything wrong, which makes it even harder.  I built a castle...I did, against everything I have ever learned through my various lessons in life. It all came crashing down on me in the end, and now I know why single girls go out and party on the weekends or even weekdays, or why guys just go out and look for an easy lay.  That is so much easier than dealing with this pain.

Falling in love is probably the worst thing someone can do in their life.  The moment you can completely be yourself around someone, run the other way, as fast as you can.  Trust me, it'll save you a lot of heart ache.  The moment you realize oh shit, I'm falling for someone, call it quits and then relocate to a different state.  It's really the best thing to do.

I always used to say that I wanted to live by this quote, "take the risk, forget the fall, if its what you want, its worth it all."  I thought he was worth it all.  I did, and maybe I still do.  However, was the relationship worth this heartbreak as well as everything else that I have been through? When I really think about it, I cant help but to say yes.  But, oh how badly, I want to say no.

Love is a joke.  Love is a prank.  Love is the greatest lie of all time.  

Bending.

The best thing about my personality is that I can do a whole lot of bending. I can tolerate a lot of bullshit and am very patient with people. I am also very forgiving; don't get that confused with forgetting. I've learned my lesson with the "forgive and forget" rule. No, always forgive, never forget. 

However, like most things that bend, I can eventually break. It takes a lot but once you're there, you would probably hope that you weren't. I can be cold, frigid, and just down right mean. It's not like I do it on purpose, but hey, if you pushed me that far, then maybe you deserve at least a little bit of it. 

tests.

Yesterday was a terrible day.  I could go into detail about how terrible it was but let's just say that my car shut down twice.  The first time, a friend came over to help me jump start it.  We tried for a whole hour to no avail.  After waiting for three hours, finally the tow truck came and was able to jump start it so I could drive it to autozone.  Then a few hours later, my car stops again.  Anywhos, I spent most of this morning trying to get someone to come and tow it to another auto shop.

Needless to say that along with all the studying that I was supposed to be doing, I am far behind in school and I'm spending a crap load of money on my retarded car.  It is okay though.

Today, just now actually, I came to the conclusion, that maybe this is all a test. My patience was worn so thin yesterday and this morning, especially after I had to walk home from the auto shop.  I am realizing more than ever that things do not always go the way that they are planned.  Before, even when plans with friends went kaput, I would get upset.  However, this week has shown me that nothing ever works out the way that you want it to.  I wanted to just make it through this week studying and working and spending time here and there to enjoy myself since it is finals week but, that is not happening.  I have accepted it and it's okay.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I feel oddly serene even with the extra 400 dollars I'm going to spend on my car, the 70 muscles I have to memorize and the three finals I have to take.  I feel like I can just brush it off my shoulder. 

breakups.

You know what's worse than a bad breakup? A good one.  The kind where you don't want to, but you have to.  You know what's even worse? When that person tells you that they want to still be friends.  The hell do you mean you want to be friends? Sorry, that is not happening.

Please, yes, rip out my heart and then take a bite out of it too, that is totally cool with me.  

Pain&Strength.

Pain.

Even the word itself is unpleasant. 

Strength.

Even the word itself is empowering. 

Can you really have one without the other? I'm not so sure. 

One simple example, when a person works out to build muscle, they first tear the muscle fibers, don't they? Then they spend a few days to a week building that same muscle in order to get stronger. 

Now, emotionally, can someone who avoids pain and hurt really tell someone that is "weak-hearted" that they are weak? Mmmmm....lets see. 

A person is not weak because they have feelings or because they show those feelings. I feel that that makes them stronger than the person that can push those emotions out of their mind. 

The thing is the person that goes through everything, goes out on a limb and puts their heart out there and makes themselves vulnerable, that person realizes how much they have to lose. When it's lost, they can't just push it out of their mind. They think about it all day, everyday. You're not strong for not showing emotions, or for avoiding pain and hurt. 

I resent anyone that calls me weak (except physically, but I'm working on that). I am a very emotionally intellectual person. I know what I'm feeling all hours of the day. I can put a name to every single emotion that I feel and can express it. I am not weak because I cry during sad situations or because the thought of losing someone really hurts me or because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am strong because no matter what I've been through, I've made it, because I may have fallen ten times but that means I've gotten up 11 times and you can bet your ass that I'm gonna get up again, because no matter how dark the skies get, I can always see the silver lining. 

Strength without pain, is like getting an A on something you didn't even study for. 

The thing is, I won't judge. I won't call you weak or say that you're not strong in your own way. I can't. I don't know what you've been through, the struggles or the pain you may have felt. But, with that said, there is no way in hell that I'm a weak person. None. 

Judge me. 

Over and out.